We have all asked this question at one point in our lives or another. Whether we ask it about a romantic relationship, a friendship, a home, a job, etc., the answer is not always straightforward. Life is complicated and it’s not always easy to decide.
When it comes to leaving a relationship, there are more consequences involved than we initially realie. Especially if you have children together or share a home, assets, and finances. These factors make the separation a lot more complicated.
The things that have taken place in the last few years are not helpful, either. The COVID-19 pandemic and the lockdowns, financial burden, and social isolation have placed additional stress on relationships. Many couples who lived together during this time described the experience as living in a pressure cooker, which is not conducive to a healthy relationship. Media reports showed that close to 200,000 people got divorced across the country in the last two years, which is the biggest increase in over ten years.
No one can deny that relationships are ongoing projects that require work. But how can we decide whether to continue or call it quits?
To explore the issue even further, we’ve talked to a couple of therapists and clinical psychologists Shahn Sorekli and Helen Robertson. They’re the brilliant minds behind My Love Your Love, an innovative couples therapy app (and they’re together too!).
“We know first-hand that a good relationship is not one without tension or conflict,” say Shahn and Helen. “Conflict is inevitable and something we continue to experience in our marriage and witness daily doing couples therapy in our psychology practice…. Relationships are in constant flux and thus need regular intentional attention and energy. The love between two people is not something that flows without effort but rather it is a daily choice.”
Helen and Shahn show us the factors people should weigh when determining whether to stay in a relationship or not:
Are your values similar?
It’s perfectly fine for couples to differ in values, but it’s essential to have at least some shared values. If your lifestyles are polar opposites and the individual choices you make start to harm either of you, you’ll have to work together and compromise to move forward at a more aligned pace. However, if either of you is unwilling to do that, it might be time to move on from the relationship.
Are you both making an effort?
When the relationship is on a rocky road, it’s easy to want our partners to change. However, you also have to be honest with yourself and determine if you’ve put effort into your own growth and self-development. If you have and you’ve changed as a result of working on yourself but your partner is not willing to do the same, it’s likely the relationship won’t get better.
There are many different ways to make an effort together. For example, engaging in a new activity, such as learning something new or engaging in exciting activities, can help you expand your sense of self through the relationship. It will lead to shared growth and a deeper bond, which makes the relationship more valuable.
Is there a pattern?
Helen and Shahn shed perspective on relationships by stating they all find hurdles eventually. The relationships that last are the ones where both partners find a way to go over those hurdles and move on. That doesn’t mean there aren’t those who flee at the first sign of hardship or trouble. So, it’s important to look inward and determine if there’s a pattern you’ve brought from your old relationships into this one.
Does escaping make you feel more comfortable or safer? Do you believe that the “right” relationships never experience problems? Shahn and Helen warn about conflict patterns. Both partners have vulnerabilities that can be triggered, leading to knee-jerk reactions that have become conflict sequences. Walking away from a relationship with unresolved issues or misunderstandings means you’re missing the opportunity to learn and grow with your partner. By perpetuating this pattern, you risk doing the same in future relationships.
Are your desires aligned?
When one partner doesn’t make time for the relationship or has already disconnected either physically or emotionally, it might be time to end things. When you both want the same things and want to work together, which is key for long-lasting relationships, there’s a better chance of success. You might have no idea how to work things out, but you want to, and that’s half of the job.
Do you both want to continue making an effort?
Couples who wish to move forward might find the answer in a relationship app. Apps are powerful resources and they’re a great alternative if you’re not keen on going to couples’ therapy. The My Love Your Love app is a great example because it’s like having a couples therapist available at all times.
This app was created to help couples flourish by providing them with helpful tools to continue working together and moving forward. My Love Your Love encourages couples to complete modules together on their own devices, and take advantage of activities, videos, and scenarios to work on the relationship.
The objective of the app is to provide insight, help improve emotional intelligence, promote open communication, help navigate conflict, encourage self-development, and rekindle the flame that’s still here.
“We strongly believe that when partners are dynamic and are capable of self-reflection, love, gratitude, change, and repair, any relationship can be improved,” said Helen and Shahn. “With such improvement in our relationship, our quality of life can increase dramatically. This will allow both people to thrive as individuals and as partners.”
